On Hold.

Well, the day isn’t over just yet. But I figure I better get to this before the bed gets to me. Or before sleep gets to me and I to the bed.

Today wasn’t terribly eventful. Again, it’s not over yet so there’s hope.

I woke up at about 6 am, yet again. Looked at some dirty mags. Just kidding, it's 2020. No mags. All this before 7:30 am. I picked up a book afterward. A real one. The Richest Man in Babylon. I figure I can be honest, no one is reading these things.

I watched a Tv show today. I don’t particularly like/watch television, but this show called to me because I am into the subject. “A Teacher” — Female teacher with a younger male student. Likely my early traumas have something to do with it. Or perhaps my disregard for authority. Or perhaps my intrigue with passions overriding logic, to extreme measures. Or some other thing yet unknown. Or maybe, maybe I’m a sick fuck. It’s possible. But who’s making this programming? maybe they’re sick fuck’s too. That’s possible.

I found it quite odd at the end of each episode they thought it tasteful, necessary to add, “If you or anyone you know has been a victim…” … Yeah fucking right. You don’t care. You just had me root for this same assault the immediate second prior to the message. Maybe that’s the point. To poke at my fickleness, my hypocrisy. My humanity. And then right after the message, the next episode and I’m back to rooting for the assault.

This is why I don’t care for the tele. What is it all about? It’s fake. And I feel fake watching it. Why am I exercising real feelings with people “behind the screen” and in front, fucking with me? It’s all pretend?

I wrote a rant about it. But deleted it. Who cares. The point was made.

After I finished the five twenty-minute episodes I made food. Simple food. After that, I left to go shopping for my kitchen. I’m quite proud of how it all turned out. Had a great time shopping for the kitchen actually. More than I do shopping for clothes, that’s for sure.

Came home, removed the cabinet doors from my kitchen cabinets. (I actually got this idea from ‘A Teacher’)… (Maybe that’s why people watch Tv?) .. They look good. Saw some stationary roaches hiding in the corners of my walls while doing so. Went to ralphs for Raid, no raid there. Left, went to the liquor store for the same Raid, they had it. Came back home, Raided THE SHIT out of those roaches. Actually felt bad as I watched them die. I did. I watched one drown, back to the ground and legitimately felt I was watching someone die an unexpected death. And I briefly grieved for the roach. Truly.

This may sound odd, but the feeling was familiar. This watching someone die, feeling bad about it, but also calloused to it.

I was reminded of when my father was taken from his apartment on a stretcher, back down, gone. I watched the same way I watched this roach. Remorseful yet calloused.

And then I was distracted by life as briskly as I was when my father passed.

I jumped down from off the countertop, cleaned up the mess, and made myself a cup of coffee.

I called unemployment, was on hold for a literal 3 1/2 hours. Finally got someone who spoke to me as if she was on hold for 3 1/2 years. Maybe she feels that way. That her life is on hold. Maybe that’s why I received such impatience on her part. But I needed her more than she needed me, so I was forced to humble myself in the matter.

Got off the phone, not much resolved. Made dinner while being on hold. Was proud of dinner, also simple.

And now, I write this. Some hours before I go to sleep. I did have coffee at 4:30 pm so I have no idea when sleep will be for me, on the occasion that I do this, it’s likely I’ll be up until 4:30 am.

Goodnight.